Questions/Topics to Avoid with Philosophers

There are a few phrases that get said to or questions that get asked of philosophers that absolutely drive them crazy—in a really bad way.

Keep in mind that you can use these if and only if [my philosopher protests to my incorrect usage of iff in this case, but I’m leaving it in] you want philosophers to avoid you and think badly about you. They are incredibly useful if there is a particular philosopher you know whom you would like to stop talking to you forever. Also, these could be useful if you would like to embarrass your philosopher terribly at a party (especially if you introduce yourself to the department head and then ask one of these questions). I do not recommend using these EVER, but I am also super-sensitive about my reputation with philosophers.

For the philosopher out there who is going to disagree with me and say that one or several of these questions/statements is not so bad, you are probably not a graduate student or a professor. Just you wait. These questions/statements even annoy me, and I am definitely not a philosopher.

[As a note: my philosopher has been asked, these questions at one time or another].

I’m going to be a bit harsh with my evaluations here (these make me angry because people can be so insensitive to philosophers), so if you’ve said or done one of these things in the past, don’t be offended, just prepare yourself to reform (“Go and sin no more”).

1. “Oh, you study philosophy? What are you going to do with that?”

This seems like an innocent question, right? I mean, it is common practice for most non-philosophers to ask questions about employment situations after an introduction. For philosophers, the reactions that non-philosophers have to their answer to this question are similar to the reaction they might have to a person who answers that they are unemployed. Sometimes non-philosophers react with glassy eyes; sometimes they get out of the conversation as fast as possible and move on to someone else; and sometimes they ask the hated follow-up question, “Oh, you’re going to be a professor. So you’re going to teach?”

Where do they even begin to answer this question to a non-academic? I recommend that you philosophers start referring all questions like this to my blog entry.

2. “Ok, so I’ve got this philosophical problem for you: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s no one around to hear it, did it make a sound?”

This is committing several grievous problems. First, you are reciting a silly “problem” that everyone and their mother has heard before, which implies (1) that you think your thoughts are original and (2) you think that philosophers are only interested in silly “problems.” Imagine how insulting this is to a philosopher. It’s like a person walking up to their car mechanic and telling them about an article they read in Highlights magazine (a magazine for young children) about spark plugs and how useful these are in cars.

As a note, almost anything that begins with “I’ve got a philosophical problem for you . . .” is bound to be trouble.

3. “I have some of my own philosophical ideas that I’ve wanted to talk to someone about.”

Please don’t do this, unless you are really a philosophy student (in which case, you will probably not say this to another philosopher). Don’t do this, even if you were a philosophy student in years past. The philosophy-world changes pretty quickly, so if you have stepped out of it for a while and have not kept up with all of these changes, you do not know what is going on and your ideas might be considered irrelevant. It is insulting to say this to a philosopher because they have been working so hard in their field and are deep in the literature, and then you just figure you can roll in with your “ideas” and impress them without doing all of the work it takes to really understand philosophy. Philosophy is hard work. End of story.

Now, it is okay to ask a philosopher some questions about a certain philosophical idea that you have been thinking about for a while, but be kind to both them and yourself and figure out first whether this particular philosopher studies the kind of philosophy you are interested in. Then, perhaps have some questions relating to your subject prepared that you can ask them in a non-arrogant (perhaps, “I don’t know much about this and I know this is your area but could you explain to me….”), curious way. Philosophers love curiosity (especially when it’s also humble) the way that my cat loves treats (he would eat them until he explodes, if given the chance).

4. “So in philosophy you just basically talk about your opinions.”

Philosophers take issue with two words in this sentence: ‘basically’ and ‘opinions’. Philosophers do not have straight-out opinions in philosophy; they have views and positions that can be supported by arguments. Even continental philosophers have arguments.

They dislike the word ‘basically’ because it implies that something can be summed up quickly and effortlessly, which just can’t be done in philosophy (believe me!).

5. Any mention of Ayn Rand.

People like Rand are not philosophers, they are posers (and she is a terrible writer, too). Do not mention Ayn Rand in conversation with a philosopher, as it is insulting. The only case in which it is okay to talk about Rand is when you are making fun them or asking a philosopher why Rand is ever considered a philosopher (which is also dangerous; tread lightly). I recommend just avoiding the subject all together.

6. “You’re a logician? I love Sudoku and other logic puzzles!”

Logic is not about logic puzzles. Logic is a series of incredibly difficult stuff that relates to mathematics. By saying something like this, you are implying that logic is fun and—as someone who has taken a formal, baby-logic course or two, involving both predicate and propositional logic—I can promise you that logic is not fun at all (okay, so I lied—propositional baby-logic is actually fun in a geeky kind of way).

7. Connecting philosophy to theology.

Most philosophers do not study anything relating to theology. You could be on very dangerous ground if you starting talking about theology with a philosopher and think you are going to get far. For your own safety, assume that they do not study theology. My policy is to talk theology with seminary students or graduates and talk philosophy with philosophy students or graduates.

Ok, confession time: I rarely talk either philosophy or theology with anyone. I usually ask philosophers about other things because I know just a little bit about philosophy; enough to be annoying but not insightful.

If you’re nervous about asking philosophers anything about philosophy now, that’s ok. Philosophers like lots of other things, too. You can ask them questions about:

1. The local music scene.

2. University politics/recent policy decisions within their specific university/Department gossip.

3. Good bars/restaurants

4. What kind of books [outside of school] they have been reading lately.

-Only ask this at the beginning or early part of the semesters since this tends to drop off for many philosophers during paper writing season [see previous post] and asking them about it only inspires guilt and makes them irritable.

5. Movies [Note: Don’t ask about the Matrix!].

Philosophers, any other things that people say that super-annoy you?

Non-philosophers, are there any other questions you’ve found work well when talking to philosophers?

CONTINENTAL PHILOSOPHERS:

I wanted to add this note because I realized that the way I phrased the sentence "Even continental philosophers have arguments" was taken to be a barb rather than a helpful explanation. I said it this way because I have overheard some very misguided analytic undergrad philosophers say things like, "Continental philosophers don't use arguments; they base everything on feelings." I am sorry if you were offended. Perhaps a post about something strictly within continental philosophy will make it up to you? I would make you some cookies, but you are all so far away.

END NOTE

Note: You can follow me on twitter (@philosiologist) or friend me on facebook (Philosiologist Qed). I will probably accept your requests and/or follow you, too, but I won't read your twitter updates (I might stalk on your facebook profile, though, especially if there are pictures of your pets). I will post all of my blog updates on these profiles.  You can also email me (email address on the left-hand sidebar) if you have questions or post suggestions (or if you are willing to donate a small cottage in Europe--I have a great rental history).

 ~The Philosiologist~